Favor-full Friday: The Pre-Script

The Pre-Script

Welcome and welcome back. It's another amazing day in paradise. Thank you so much for being here. 

I wanted to provide an excerpt from the first letter I'm writing to give you a taste of what's coming. I'm encouraging you to read along with me but I want you to trust what's coming so I'm starting here. 

I'm offering incentives to read with me as I write when you contribute to my fundraiser. Depending on how much you offer, you can receive access to read only or read and comment. You can pay to be a part of the experience while I'm writing it or once it's done (but before it gets published in print form).

I know I can be loquacious so I'm going to go ahead and jump in. Thank you again for being here! With great pleasure I introduce you to...

Dear White Men - The Pre-Script

Welcome to The Pre-Script! If I was writing a book, this would be called "Introduction". Since this is written as a letter, I'm calling it The Pre-Script.

You know how you write P.S. if you want to add something to a letter after the fact? You probably already know that means "post script". Being clever, I switched it around and I'm calling this a pre-script because it's before the fact!

Welcome to my world!

Before I jump in further, can we just take a couple of deep breaths together? You can do how many you want for how long you like. Please come back though. We've got some important business to discuss. 

Mainly, I want you to feel comfortable here. In fact I hope you're sitting somewhere that's comfortable. I hope you're either by yourself or reading this with people you trust have your best intentions at heart. 

If you can be outside or have some background sounds that represent nature, that would be even better. If that's an irritant for you, then please don't do that. I invite you to connect with nature because we are nature. And that is what works best for me. 

You do what's best to keep you in a relaxed state of mind, in a comfortable state of being. I absolutely honor and respect whatever that looks like for you.

I want this to be a safe space to talk about vital matters, both scientific and spiritual. Because we all come from different backgrounds I cannot guarantee that something I’ve written will not trigger some sort of reaction in you that you are not expecting.

And that is the reason I am compelled to write. Don’t get me wrong. Some of those reactions might bring unexpected joy and happiness. But some might not feel so good either! So I want you to be prepared for that. 

I hope your reactions are mostly because you feel seen and acknowledged. But, I need to be honest, when I share my personal experiences you might get pissed, either with me or at me. I'll be telling MY truth in this and divulging some information you're not aware of and that might upset you. Again, you share that with me or direct it at me. I respect that! I honor your process!

PLEASE don't let that alarm you. I won't be attacking anyone but I will be telling the truth. Let's face it! For some people that feels like an attack. Since this is my letter and I'm sharing how I got to this space there are going to be things I say that are true but don't feel good.

I hope you won’t stop reading because of it. If that should happen, that is your nervous system speaking to you, whatever the feeling or emotion.

Our nervous system is where we get our sense of safety from. Our sense of safety is determined by how we were parented and cared for in our earliest years. That sense of safety is not only going to determine whether we respond or react, it will determine how we do so. 

And it's different for everyone, while at the same time being pretty much the same. Confused? Yea... so was I when I was learning about it. If it's not confusing, cool! Then just roll with me while I explain for everyone else.

You see, at some point, I learned that we all live out of our nervous systems first. That's before we engage the intelligence of our brain. (When I first heard that I was like "YIKES!". And then it all made sense.) I say that initial reaction is from our subconscious conditioning. That conditioning was created in our foundational years (birth to 3 mostly, but up to 7). 

Those foundational years created the "foundation" for how we act as adults when we feel a threat. The interesting thing about that is the nervous system doesn't know if the threat is real or perceived. It just knows that whatever is going on doesn't feel safe. This threat could be words or actions.

Let's take another breath here. Yes, I'm doing it too!

I'm trying to keep this simple because even I can get confused talking about this. I understand it better than I can explain it, mostly because I'm living it. But it's also because I'm still learning. 

All those I learned from can explain this way better than I can. But this is my calling. And I know enough to know we need to be doing something different.

We need to be talking to one another from a healing, versus antagonizing, space and we are not there in our nation. This is my humble attempt to start that ball rolling. Let's keep going.

To go back to what I was saying, we live out of our nervous systems first. I call that subconscious conditioning. The challenge of living out of our nervous systems is that our nervous systems have not yet caught up with technology. And the ways our nervous systems get trained is based upon the thousands of years we spent as hunter-gatherers. 

Please take a minute to process that. Because this might be where your first, "What the (you fill in the blank)...?" moment comes into play. I'm going to say it again and hopefully do a good job explaining it.

We live out of nervous systems based on the lifestyle we all collectively lived millennia ago. When we existed in tribes. When all we had was each other in the tribe. When we had to forage for our food. When our greatest threat was an animal who wanted to eat us. When we all had the same lifestyle, the same upbringing. We all had relatively similar nervous system conditioning. Does that make sense now?

Technology continues to advance rapidly. Our nervous systems have not, are not and will not! That's a good thing because we would become robots.

I'm going to leave that there for now and let that sink in. Breathe again if you need to. I know I need one.

It might help to take a few moments and consider an experience that you didn't handle well or one that you know you detached from. In the extreme, maybe you went and smoked something or drank a beer or some alcohol later because it bothered you. No judgment here! I'm an emotional eater.

Or maybe you didn't internalize it. Maybe you straight up cussed someone out with the most colorful, demeaning language you could conjure up. That was your nervous system speaking.

Again, no judgment. Been there, done that! Not proud of it.

If at any point in this experience you feel some sort of reaction come up, I invite you to check in with your nervous system. My parent coach training with the Jai Institute for Parenting taught me that any behavior (and I'll add feeling or emotion) is a sign of a need, either met or unmet. 

Most of us are comfortable with elation and celebration. It's the frustration, depression and devastation that we tend to avoid. Many have been conditioned to avoid uncomfortable things. I'm here to tell you that the more we embrace those uncomfortable feelings and address them, the more we'll be free of them.

So in those moments when you are reading and feel some kinda way, first I want you to stop and ask, "Am I safe?" Take a look around and make sure you are safe. Say out loud, "I am safe."

Then I want you to ask yourself another question like, “Do I agree with what she’s saying?” If you are feeling anxious or you have a tight feeling in your chest or gut, it’s possible you’re having a “fight or flight” reaction to what I wrote. Some people describe that by saying you’ve been triggered or your nervous system has been activated.

That’s OK. Honestly it really is better than OK because it means you are alive. It means you care and have feelings. That’s a beautiful thing.

When your nervous system is triggered it’s because what I’m saying is “unsafe” to your subconscious conditioning. Your nervous system is needing to protect itself from the threat of what I’m saying, whether that threat is real or perceived. There could be several things I’ve said that are activating your nervous system so I invite you to take a break if you need to.

If you don’t feel like you want to take a break then I’m asking you to go a step further into your conditioning and not give into that fight or flight feeling. It is expressing a need of yours, either met or unmet (usually the latter). And if you repress the expression or acknowledgement of that now, it will be back. So honor it, respect it and if needed go deeper.

This might include putting the book down and distracting yourself. It could look like some deep breaths before you continue. If your choice is to go, I invite you to take some questions with you. 

Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”. And once you’ve answered that question ask yourself, "Where am I feeling it?". Take note of any tension you're feeling in your body. Where is it stored at? It is critical information. 

If you say nothing, that's OK. I still do at times. As I said, I'm still learning. No judgement here.

Do you trust yourself to go a little deeper? If so, ask yourself, “what do I need?”. Honestly, you might not know in the moment. That's cool. There's nothing wrong with you for not knowing your needs. We're honoring the process and setting ourselves up for success.

To be honest with you, many of us were raised in a way where our needs were denied so we learned that it wasn't OK to have them. And when we did have them, we weren't going to get them met. 

Think of the crying infant who someone thinks just needs some sleep or is spoiled and let's them "cry it out". Well that baby just cried out their confidence, their sense of security and the comfort of knowing their needs will be met. Enter a sense of abandonment!

That seems extreme but it's true. And that is the foundation many of us were built on because of the old wives tale that thought babies were spoiled when they cried too much. The reality is babies can't be spoiled. Their cries are the only form of communication they have. So when we ignore that, we don't meet a basic need they are expressing.

If you ask me that was the easiest time for me as a parent because I knew that my son only needed one or two of about five things: food, a burp, a clean diaper, connection or sleep.

Of course when a child is sick that adds an exhausting level of mystery when they can't talk. But if they are healthy, then I'm good. I can handle the tears.

I'm hoping that was enough of a redirect to keep you here reading. (Yes, that's a thing. I'm being transparent here. Can I at least get a smile?) If not, please don't go yet. There are a few more things I want you to consider.

Once you get the answer to the second question you may need to ask yourself, “Why? Why do I need that?”. You may have to ask it 3-5 times to get to the root cause of your trigger.

When you’re triggered, it is usually NOT about the very thing you think it’s about. It goes back, waaaaaayyyyyyy back to something you might not even realize because you’ve never had anyone guide you to think this way.

To be continued...

That's where I'm going to pause for now. In tomorrow's post I'm going to finish "The Pre-Script". I will focus on conscious conditioning, how we create it and what that does for us!

After tomorrow, I'll post again on Monday and then my intention is to post bi-weekly from there. I'm going to spend these early morning hours focusing on finishing the letter. 

If you like what you've read so far, again, I invite you to contribute to our fundraiser. I've spent about 60-90 minutes working on this post sitting in our car. Wis is sleeping next to me. The temperature is 38 degrees.

Please don't feel sorry for us. It is exciting to me that's God is keeping me strong enough, clear enough and humble enough to do this. But I would like us to be inside. Your support in doing so is appreciated.

(me working on this post)

And that's REALLY it for now. Thank you for taking the time to visit. It is such an honor to have you here. 

Continued success in all you're pursuing. Enjoy the amazing day you're creating. Peace...