Momma's Monday: My Dad Died (Personal Update)

My Dad Died

Welcome and welcome back. It's another amazing day in paradise. Thank you so much for being here. 

I don't normally start so boldly. But this one event is drastically changing my life and I could use a lot of help. Will you please help me protect my dad's estate? 

Let me continue by saying, my dad's death was an act of grace. 

He wasn't living life as he normally had. He had toes amputated last year and a leg amputated this year because of complications with diabetes. As a man who walked EVERY day unless there was a blizzard, this was because he refused to walk. Once he started living in a nursing home it was over.

I know he wasn't pleased with his life. It was like he went on strike. On top of that, he was suffering from dementia AND the personal drama I'm about to share so by the time he passed, I know he was tired and ready to go.

His passing was a beautiful and kind act of grace. I did not have a front row seat to it though. We had not spoken in 5 years. And it was my fault. I'll leave that right there.

I Love my dad. He was the ultimate Mr. GQ Cool. He worked as a machinist for nearly 50 years at Pratt and Whitney in East Hartford, CT. He owned two properties with a total of 7 rental units, one that he lived in. His second marriage ended tragically after 18 years when his wife passed unexpectedly because of complications with cancer. That was in 2017. They are now buried next to one another.

In 2019, my dad met and introduced me to this woman. Looking back, I now realize what happened. But back then I wondered what he was thinking being with her. She reminded me of his first wife and nothing of his second.

He divorced his first wife so I was curious about why he was with this... chic (I'm trying to be polite). She was of similar age as him but she was... overdone, too glamorous for daytime. You could tell she had Ritz Carlton tastes on a Days Inn budget. 

My dad was a single Black male, tall and charming and handsome. So I know why she was attracted to him physically. He was a devout, church-going man with a long time career and 3 properties at the time, I know why she was attracted to him otherwise too. 

Well... it turns out he wasn't with her as much as she was with him. She moved in on my dad like a predator hunting their prey, after noticing his memory loss. In October and December of 2019 she accompanied him to two of his doctor's appointments where it was confirmed he had dementia. 

Less than two weeks later, on December 15, 2019, she married him in an evening service, at a time of day known to be especially challenging for dementia patients to remember things. None of his family or friends were invited. Her daughter was the only witness to the marriage even though my dad had an adult nephew living in the house with them.

When the family found out, my dad told several of them on different occasions he didn't remember marrying her, wondered when she was going to leave or would say, "I guess I'm married now." 

His closest, decades long relationships with friends and family members were dismantled as this woman held my dad hostage and kept him away from those who lived close, Loved and cared for him deeply. The best way to support dementia/Alzheimer patients is helping them maintain a routine. This woman took my dad to Mexico to celebrate her daughter's 50th on his dime. I keep thinking, "what if he had gotten lost?"

By CT state law, she is now entitled to 50% of his estate. 

This is the obituary she posted in the local newspaper in Hartford, CT. She's the only one listed to "cherish his memory". Notice the difference between the one posted here, on his memorial page, where she added her children, who he had no relationship with, as his stepchildren instead of naming his grandbabies or something.

I didn't attend the funeral. Honestly, I didn't think I should go. I'm glad I didn't too. 

I did attend his graveside service in Virginia though and that was worth the trip. I met my younger brother for the first time that I can remember.

Me and my youngest brother after our dad's graveside service
on Tuesday, April 30. He's bending down a little too!

Back in 2021, one of my dad's sisters and a niece got involved in my dad's affairs because this woman was going through my dad's things attempting to get everything changed into her name. Thankfully a conservator was put into place to protect his assets at the time but today it has become a big problem, a huge mess really.

I had no idea any of this was going on. 

I have since learned that my dad had a revocable living trust written back in 1998, a year before he married his second wife. In it he named his 3 children as his beneficiaries. I was named as one of two trustees. The other is a cousin who admitted they were "thick as thieves" when I suggested the term. He never had the trust changed. I'm not surprised and neither was she.

I feel this is because Ms. Mary, his second wife, would have never contested it. She would have wanted his children to inherit everything. And... we would have made sure she was taken care of anyway. 

I think we all Loved Ms. Mary more than my dad did to be perfectly honest with you. She was just that kind of a woman. I am also confident my dad didn't want to remarry after she passed. Mary did everything that helped them succeed.

Now the original trust can't be found. For all we know the woman who married my dad destroyed it. The court is requiring the original even though the document says, on the very first page, that a copy is as valid as an original. 

I was told the court won't honor the copy that came from the attorney's office that drafted it. Not only that, because there was no provision for his spouse, since he didn't have one at the time it was written and he never changed it, the state automatically splits the estate 50% for the widow and 50% to be distributed between the other heirs.

I have a serious problem with that. So now I'm in a fight to disqualify this woman from being an heir and reclaim the full estate my dad left for his 3 children. Because I was one of the trustees I would have become co-executor of his estate. 

How neither of his trustees were involved in this back in 2021, I will never know. Why the family didn't try to get the marriage dissolved when he was alive, I don't know. This is where we are now.

I plan to fight this but this is a battle that will require funds I don't have. 

Will you please help me save my dad's estate? He didn't deserve to live his final years this way. And with generational wealth being stripped away from Black families at an alarming rate due to property loss of all kinds, I can't and won't let this happen when my dad worked so hard to leave us something.

My fundraising goal is $10K to retain an attorney and be able to travel back and forth to Connecticut to handle this. I don't want to move there. I know I'm not supposed to move there. It is not for me and Wisdom. And I will not need to be there full time.

The legal work that needs to be done to fight this is extensive. That's why hiring an attorney who can invest their time and talent into it is important.

I have a fundraiser set up here. Please contribute as you feel compelled. 

The timing on everything is tricky. My dad's estate is headed to probate and that will take some time. I have to keep moving forward with the things I was working on when this became my responsibility. So this is one of two updates I am adding to my blog.

As a way to say thank you for your contribution I am hosting a masterclass called "How Do You Change a Light Bulb? Revealing the Powerful Gift of Neuroplasticity." As an intro to it I posted a video called "The Science of Violence".

I want to confess I have not shed many tears because of my dad's death. The grace was for him and me. I Loved my dad. As I look back I see how even my immaturity at the time I stopped talking to him is a blessing. I'd rather remember him the way he was, not what he deteriorated to. 

And I now have a front row seat to the aftermath of his death. It hasn't been pleasant but I feel it's been a way for us to reconcile our relationship. Because while our separation was me the last time, it's gone back and forth between him and I on occasions before. 

In the state he has transitioned to, I know he understands that. He's been communicating with Wisdom and Wisdom shows him to me. It's really rather cool so I want, need and have to get this right.

Please support as you feel compelled and please send prayers too. Thank you again for being here. Thank you in advance for you continued support. Enjoy the amazing day you're creating. Peace...